The Ugly of Letting Go
It was time. I had been holding this thing that made me feel so ugly for so long. A lot of addiction is ugly but this one made me feel especially ugly, gross, like I was hiding a dirty secret. My brother asked me recently how much I actually remembered from that time and unfortunately the answer is too much.
I drove drunk with my beautiful 4 year old daughter in the car. It took me four and half years to be able to say that out loud or write about it or allow myself to look at it, witness it or even acknowledge it. I know I am not the only one and so I write this for you too. This is the nature of addiction.
I know I am not the only one and so I write this for you too.
I recently joined the staff team at We are The Luckiest Club, led by one of my favorite people in the world, Laura McKowen. We had an amazing staff retreat and participated in a beautiful experience led by Jim Zartman who stated ” Information is not transformation” and so we transformed.
He outlined for us the importance of With Energy, Belonging and Being Blessed. So we Blessed each other.
We told each other what we saw about one another that made their existence on this earth important. We honored one another with and for each other. We allowed the permission and the space to belong to ourselves, the world as friends and colleagues.
We told each other what we saw about one another that made their existence on this earth important.
As I did this, I realized I had to let go of some heavy shit in order to make space for this beautiful clearing with this group in order to really be with them and with myself. I spoke right to Laura as I honored her for writing about being in addiction and in front of her daughter too, who was the same age as mine. When I first heard that story, I was driving in my car ironically, listening to her first chapter of We Are The Luckiest, and pulled over and sobbed one year ago today. I didn’t leg go or forgive myself in that moment but it allowed me to cry about it and to acknowledge it for the first time.
I wasn’t fully able to forgive myself until last weekend at that retreat. I had nightmares and still do about putting my daughter and myself in dangerous places that essentially could have killed us both. I chose to have my daughter before I chose myself which ended up contributing to more drinking instead of healing.
I choose me now all the fucking time which lets her know I love her more then anything. I am not sorry. I removed that language from my vocabulary four and a half years ago. I know I did shit that was hard to watch. I know I hurt people. I spend that sorry energy filling myself up with healing so that I remain sober for those around me who love me and cheer for me and need me to keep writing things like this.
I choose me now all the fucking time which lets her know I love her more then anything.
For me, changed actions, honesty, brutal honesty, telling the truth and looking ugly in the eye is how I make amends- but to myself first.
I am still moving through all the parts of forgiveness for my myself and my family and welcome all the shapes that will take in the years to come.
Thank you for reading and witnessing this moment of letting go. I love you and as always if you are struggling come find me- I am here.